“Rich people do things differently.”
I don’t remember who said this, it may have been my mother, but I always repeat it whenever I see someone do something stupid.
“It cost how much?” Saffy shrieked the other day.
Amanda looked a little defensive. She held the tiny Hermes shopping bag closer to her chest.
Saffy turned to me, eyes narrowed to a slit. “Ask her how much she paid for a dog collar.” Her bosom inflated and before I could even open my mouth to suggest that maybe I didn’t want to be involved in this conversation, she spat out, “Nine hundred. And. Thirty. Dollars.”
“U.S. or Sing dollars?” I asked automatically.
Saffy ignored me. “For a dog collar.”
My eyes darted between Saffy who looked like she was ready to slap me, and Amanda who looked like she wished Saffy would slap me instead of her.
“Well, you know,” I began weakly, “rich people do things differently!”
“But it’s not even for me,” Amanda bleated. “It’s for Benji’s birthday party!”
“Who throws a birthday party for a stupid dog?” Saffy shouted. “And Benji is not even a proper dog. He’s a chihuahua!”
“Um, rich people?” I offered, immediately.
Anyway, you can imagine well Bling Empire went down with Saffy when she finally sat down to watch it.
“My God!” she moaned as she hit play on episode four, having just binge-watched the first three. “Who are these people? I just want to slap every one of them! Starting with Christine Chiu. And why is her husband always wearing pajamas in public?”
“At least he’s wearing something!” Amanda said. “Unlike Kevin! He’s half-naked in just about every scene!”
Saffy rolled her eyes. “It’s a good thing that guy looks the way he does, because he is dumb as two bricks!”
Amanda giggled. “Wait till hear how he spells Hermes!”
“I just hate how frivolous they are!” Saffy went on. “I’m like, dude, put down that water dildo, get out of Anna Shay’s bathroom, and go get a job!”
Apparently, the one thing we’re all united on is our collective love for Anna Shay, the Japanese Russian bazillionairess who has so much money, she actually gets the entire spa to come to her in her back lawn where she and all her friends get the insides of their mouths massaged.
Which is another example of how rich people do things differently. Whereas the craziest thing you and I might have done at a spa was to have our faces rolled with jade balls or scraped raw with diamond-headed brushes, really rich people get their mouths massaged.
“That’s so stupid,” Saffy grumbled, “but I’m still loving Anna. Does she ever slap that Christine Chiu? Or Kelly? I mean, can someone explain to me why that girl is still with that total loser, Andrew?”
She had a point. After all that hard work the shaman at the beach did in purifying her aura, she went straight back into the guy’s admittedly chiseled arms.
Saffy shook her head, her eyes glued to her laptop screen. “God, these people really annoy me!”
Amanda later wondered if it was maybe a sign of ageing that Saffy has recently turned so, well, communist. “I mean, she loves the Kardashians and she couldn’t get enough of the Shahs of Sunset. So what gives with Bling Empire?”
I shrugged. “She’s probably racist.”
Amanda gave me a look.
“What?” I said. “Asian people can be racist against other Asian people! It’s been known to happen!”
Meanwhile, Sharyn has become utterly besotted with Anna Shay. “Wah, that one really number one ah, I tell you. She can anyhow buy Clis-tian Dior for Kevin and then diamond bracelet for birthday present. Ay,” she said, nudging Saffy in the ribs, “I also want to be her friend. You are my best friend and you only ever buy me present from Giordano!”
“You see,” Amanda piped up. “What’s a dog collar compared to a diamond bracelet?”
“The world has gone completely mad,” Saffy said. “We had dogs when we were growing up, but nobody ever threw any of them a birthday party, never mind spend $930 on a dog collar! And it doesn’t do anything! It’s not even a flea collar!"
“Aiyah,” Sharyn sighed. “This world, ah… Everyone is so sad. We all cannot go anywhere. Everything is dangerous. Cannot hug people. Cannot loh hei with friend. If people want to sing happy birthday to a chee-wa-wa, let them lah!”
To her credit, Saffy paused and pursed her lips as she gave the matter some thought. As she later observed, Sharyn may act and dress like she was just taking a break from selling fish at her local wet market, but “if Yoda and Oprah ever had a child, it would be Sharyn.”