I went to school in Australia with a kid called Jonathan Langley. He was an awful human being.
You know how in every school, there’s always someone who makes life miserable for everyone around him? The one whose teachers can barely control; the principal is constantly on the phone summoning the parents to a meeting; and all his classmates live in daily fear that he’ll pick on them?
Jonno was that kid. (This is what Australians do to names. First, however long that name is, they shorten it to one syllable. Then they drop whatever consonant is at the end, and replace it with an ‘o’, ‘a’ or a ‘z’, or a combination of those three letters. So, if your name was, say, Paddington, you became Paddo. Or if your name was Sharon, you became ‘Shazz’ or ‘Shazza’. It’s meant to be a sign of endearment. It just always felt like a lot of extra work to me.)
Anyway, Jonno was that kid whom everyone feared and hated. He’d push some random student to the ground. Or punch someone on the arm so hard they had to be taken to the hospital. Once, he spray-painted the library wall with a rude sign. Thank God he was such a bad student because he left in Year 10 and we all sighed with relief. “I never want to see him ever again,” said my best friend, Warren whom everyone called Wazza.
Well, years later, Jonathan Langley’s name popped up again and to our collective amazement, he was now a very respected neurosurgeon at one of the top hospitals in the country.
“Wait. What?” Wazza said.
Turns out, after Jonno left school, he turned his life around, worked in a petrol station and attended night school. He got such good grades, he eventually ended up in medical school and won all the examination prizes.
“My God, he’s hot!” Saffy said the other day when I showed her a newspaper article on Jonno that Wazza sent me. It was about his invention of some new revolutionary surgical technique.
“He was a complete monster!” I told her. “He once snatched my school bag and dropped it into the toilet!” That snippet of vengeful adolescent history didn’t have the impact I expected, because Saffy’s bosom inflated as she continued to read. “Well, it says here he volunteers with Médecins Sans Frontières and he repairs cleft palettes in Cambodia. He’s so hot,” she repeated. “You know who he reminds me of? Patrick Brewer.”
Amanda leaned over to look at the article. “Oh, he does, too! Super hot in a clean cut nerdy kind of way. I love the shape of his eyes. So kind.”
Saffy’s face turned pink with lust. “Totally.”
“Who’s Patrick Brewer?” I asked.
Two sets of eyes swiveled up from the article to stare at me.
“Oh, just about the most wonderful man on the planet?” Saffy said.
“He’s in Schitt’s Creek,” Amanda said. “That show we’ve been begging you to watch but you don’t because you’re still stuck watching Joanna Lumley on the stupid Silk Road. He shows up in season three.”
“I’m so in love with him and I want to have his baby,” Saffy said.
In my defence, I did watch the first two episodes of Schitt’s Creek, but I just couldn’t go on. The Rose family were just such awful people. From the very first scene, all they did was bitch and moan and shout horrible things to one another and about other people.
But apparently, they become nice people by season 2. So nice, in fact, that other people begin falling in love with them. Like the super-hot town vet. And the super-hot town layabout who lived in the woods and picked up garbage off the streets. And, of course, the super-hot Patrick Brewer.
Who, apparently, also has the voice of an angel and made every single female Netflix* subscriber instantly pregnant in the episode where he sang an acoustic version of ‘You’re the Best’ to his boyfriend, David Rose — who started the show emotionally closed off, sarcastic, and people- and world-hating, but became so loveable that he’s got fan pages all over Instagram.
“It’s a show about redemption,” Amanda said, with all the authority that comes from years of watching Oprah. “If you give someone a chance, even the most hateful person, he can become a better person.”
“But it helps if you live in Schitt’s Creek, though,” Saffy piped up. “I don’t think the same kind of emotional transformation happens as frequently in Toa Payoh.”
“Or your friend, Jonno,” Amanda said. “That’s a real life redemption story, if ever I heard one.”
“And he’s super hot, too!” Saffy sighed, returning her attention to the article. “Does it say if he’s married?”
“I just Googled him,” Amanda said. “He married a lawyer and they have three children.”
Saffy pursed her lips. “Married,” she repeated. “So typical. All the nice ones are.
*Schitt’s Creek is available on Netflix for viewers only in the US. (Got VPN?) Here, you can catch it on FX (Singtel TV Ch 310 & StarHub Ch 507), Thur, 10pm.
Photo: TPG News/Click Photos