Jurassic World Rebirth Review: Same Old Roar With Shinier Claws — Time To Consider That Fast & Furious Crossover?

Jurassic World Rebirth (PG13)

Starring Scarlett Johannsson, Jonathan Bailey, Mahershala Ali, Rupert Friend

Directed by Gareth Edwards

What do you expect from a Jurassic Park/World movie?

Commentary on corporate greed disguised as altruistic advances and the dark side of DNA engineering? Or the sheer spectacle of reanimated prehistoric beasts chasing humans around? Maybe a bit of the former — but mostly the latter.

But seven movies in, the formula is starting to feel a little long in the tooth. Arriving just three years (too soon?) after Jurassic World Dominion — featuring an all-star line-up from the OG and reboot series — Rebirth offers yet another cycle of “wash, rinse, repeat” — only with new machinery and operators.

This time, Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali, and Jonathan Bailey head to a forbidden island — once home to the original Jurassic Park’s research facility — to collect dinosaur blood for an experimental drug, overseen by Rupert Friend’s Big Pharma suit.

Director Gareth Edwards is a veteran at orchestrating kaiju mayhem — from his 2010 debut Monsters to the 2014 Godzilla remake — so taking on dinosaurs is a walk in the (Jurassic) park. Don’t get me wrong — it still captivates, but the wow factor has diminished.

The Mosasaurus and Spinosaurus attacks deliver Jaws-like awe and thrills. But the much-ballyhooed mutant-saurs— the Mutadon and Distorus Rex (aka D-Rex), painful reminders of the pitfalls of genetic mix-and-match — turn out to be underwhelming. They should be the stars, but instead they’re sidelined until the finale.

It’s a bit ironic that those abominations were created to combat audience fatigue — to give park patrons something “bigger, scarier, cooler… [with] more teeth,” as the edict goes — yet that very jadedness now extends to the movies themselves.

A few years ago, F9 helmer Justin Lin joked (we think) about a crossover between the Fast & Furious franchise and Jurassic World. (Universal owned both properties.) Hey, it’s already gone to space — muscle cars vs velociraptors, what’s not to like? Maybe that’s the extra teeth the Jurassic flicks need now. Be careful what you wish for. (2.5/5 stars) out in cinemas

Photo: Universal Pictures

Heads of State (NC16)

Starring John Cena, Idris Elba, Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Jack Quaid

Directed by Ilya Naishuller

Peacemaker and Bloodsport, together again! If you didn’t get enough of John Cena and Idris Elba’s dick-measuring squabbles in The Suicide Squad, here’s the encore no one saw coming. Cena plays the President of the USA, who just so happens to be a Hollywood A-lister; Elba is the UK Prime Minister, who just so happens to be a former black ops soldier. (Their party affiliations are unknown.) They don’t like each other, but they’re forced to team up after an assassination attempt on their lives. Priyanka Chopra Jonas co-stars as a badass MI6 agent (and the PM’s former lover), caught in the crossfire of their bickering. Director Ilya Naishuller (Nobody) keeps the politics light (okay, there’s a slight dig at the current administration), focusing on the endlessly fun Cena-Elba odd coupling and some John Wick–meets–Looney Tunes havoc — with one set piece scored to Beastie Boys’ ‘Sabotage’ (featuring a gun-toting Jack Quaid) and another to Mötley Crüe’s ‘Kickstart My Heart’. And yes, there’s that  Farrelly Bros-inspired moment involving sheep nipples on Cena’s face…(3/5 stars) on Prime Video

Photo: Prime Video

The Old Guard (R21)

Starring Charlize Theron, KiKi Layne, Matthias Schoenaerts, Henry Golding, Uma Thurman, Veronica Ngo

Directed by Victoria Mahoney

The first Old Guard was such a slog to sit through. But we watched it anyway — it came out during the pandemic, and we had nothing better to do. It was a hit (but of course), and a sequel was greenlit. The follow-up sees Charlize Theron’s Andromache and her mopey immortal warriors battling more personal demons and old foes. A visibly bored Uma Thurman joins the cast as a villain named Discord — because nothing says “baddie” quite like that moniker. Henry Golding — not exactly someone you buy as an action hero (see Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins) — is another series newbie, saddled with the Basil Exposition role. As before, the tone is sombre AF (just because you’ve lived a gazillion years doesn’t mean the audience has to suffer for it, okay?), the pacing is sluggish, and the action is less impressive. It's so depressingly dull, you’ll need to blast Hans Zimmer’s F1: The Movie theme on repeat to reboot. And just when you think you’ve made it to the finish line, it drops a sequel-baiting cliffhanger. Thanks, but no thanks. (2/5 stars) on Netflix

Photo: Netflix

Shark Whisperer (PG13)

Starring Ocean Ramsey, Juan Oliphant

Directed by JP Stiles, Harrison Macks and James Reed

Jaws not only made a name for its director, Steven Spielberg, and traumatised a generation of moviegoers — it also gave sharks a bad name. Spielberg himself has taken the blame for the spike in shark killings that followed the film’s release. That ecological fallout is addressed in this documentary, which follows marine conservationist and social media activist Ocean Ramsey on her mission to undo the PR damage. And what better way to prove that sharks aren’t monsters than by swimming with them? (The Oahu native’s secret: “Stay calm and try to be a competent predator in their presence.”) The amazing footage — filmed by her partner and videographer, Juan Oliphant — evokes feelings of tranquility and terror. But there lies her challenge: how do you humanise these majestic creatures — including a heartbreaking case like Roxy the tiger shark, whose jaws were broken by a fishing hook — and not treat them as monsters, without downplaying the fact that they are still apex predators? (One interviewee is a surfer who lost his leg in an attack.) Ramsey is well aware of the inherent dangers in her line of work. “I wanna meet more sharks and explore this beautiful planet,” she says. But if shark ever does take her out, she adds, “I’m always big on going on the record that I’m putting myself in these more extreme situations. So definitely don’t blame the shark.” Stay safe, Ocean. (3.5/5 stars) on Netflix

Photo: Netflix