Kung Fu Soccer Review: Beat Post-World Cup Blues With Stephen Chow’s Messi, Messy & Madcap Fun

Kung Fu Soccer (PG13)

Starring: Zhang Xiaofei, Dilraba Dimurat, Lay Zhang, Carina Lau, Sisley Choi, Takeru Satoh

Directed by Stephen Chow

You either love a Stephen Chow underdog comedy or you’d expel it with a red card.

Especially this zany international women’s football tournament that’s a spiritual, gender-reversed follow-up to his original kick-off, 2001’s Shaolin Soccer.

With too-brainy-to-be-truly-funny mainland Chinese actress Zhang Xiaofei (YOLO; Hi, Mom) playing over-extended, over-exasperated Team Emei captain, trainer-yeller and inner-strength strategist Shuang, who declares that she’s “old, ugly and as flat as a carpet”. Seriously? Insulting carpets?

And exotic super-babe Dilraba Dimurat as bad-girl star striker, Jade, whom Shuang squabbles with initially like Messi being mad at his messy bestie. Auntie-age Shuang blames Jade for getting married and ruining their chances of winning the coveted Supreme and Invincible Cup.

Plus, Miss Hong Kong 2013 first runner-up Sisley Choi stealing scenes as a hilariously blind hottie and Bruce Lee impersonator-masseuse-goalie-wrecking machine named Ziba. She keeps clobbering the wrong people in her loony Fits Of Fury.

Throw in Exo boyband member Lay Zhang (No More Bets) and Rurouni Kenshin main dude Takeru Satoh showing up as Grand Uncle-mentor Xu Feng, and an opposing Japanese heartthrob-coach respectively.

“Stop them with your life!” the enemy coach banzai-screams to his dark-martial-arts, black-clad Nippon team of defending champions called Grand River. Don’t ask me which river.

Okay, there’s no on-the-fence decision here about SCA (Stephen Chow antics) which requires a close-scrutiny VAR (video assistant referee) check. Nothing goes into extra time to be decided by penalty kicks or a pitch invasion.

You gotta choose between liking or hating this show right now.

FYI. South Korea reportedly doesn’t like since it portrays Korean girls as being sneakier than Argentina. “She’s so close she can smell my hair,” goes Team Emei's complaint to the referee as punches are slipped in.

Full disclosure — I’m a big Chow fan. I love his brand of nutty mo lei tau (Cantonese for nonsensical) anything-goes goofball-screwball-football. I keep laughing at the same old stupid recycled jokes because he’s damn good at it and no one else can do them.

You know, the wacky sort where blind goalie Ziba stops multiple illusionary balls — the Phantom Mirage Shot — coming at her like a kaleidoscope. But she also heads mistakenly for the men’s toilet at the same time. Hysterical.

So, to me, although mostly-Mandarin Kung Fu Soccer isn’t as fresh, clever or as wicked as last time’s Shaolin Soccer, it’s still a unique, insane fun-filled escapade. Like a silly Hahaha-Haaland drink for your post-World Cup blues.

Director/co-writer Chow’s comedy has devolved into skits to fit our no-time time. With Zhang being central as a harsh mother hen who eats humble pie while exacting gender revenge. A side-splitting slapped-face scene with Lay Zhang as the punching-bag man for all womanhood is absolutely priceless.

Chow also fills in his absurd kung fu techniques of Tiger Shot, Golden Bell Shield, etc, quite comically. One insight — when it comes to female willpower training, just the leg splits alone will guarantee guys an instant hernia.

Offside? Rules? Gravity? Bah!

Players fly, smash into each other and slam straight into the goal. The ball rockets past an airplane like a flaming comet. Giant tigers pop up. Indian players extend their yoga limbs like Fantastic Four’s elongated man. An Aussie opponent leg-lifts an entire bus during practice. Heck, even Supergirl herself would be free-kicked out of this pitch.

Now, speaking of pitch, those who dislike Chow will surely Infantino him — if you know disgust over FIFA, you’ll know that name — for the cheapo, cartoonish, two-dollar CGI special effects employed here. Not just the shoddily pasted-on fake crowd. Even the synthetic grass itself looks like a giant horizontal green screen.

Makes you wonder how Chow actually shot his visually-authentic first pic 25 prehistoric years ago. Back then, the action took place on fields so real, grass blades flew in slo-mo around the goalkeeper played by Zhao Wei.

Did Chow give up making this flick realistic in the actual outdoors because unlike his previous football team of dudes, this time he’s wiring up dainty women to fly through the sky?

Two things. One — the man himself doesn’t show up here until the end credits which is a downer. Two — as seen with Zhao Wei last time, this isn’t his first rodeo with female footies.

Three things, really, when you consider that none of the gals here are dainty.

Main pair Zhang and Dimurat (good to see this ang moh-looking super chiobu finally land a big fun role) are pretty good toughening up as Beauty and the Beast.

They are so game kicking the ball in this game that their labels are inter-changeable. As both can look like the Beauty or the Beast depending on the scenes they play here.

Both, in other words, are good and funny enough to be either Messi or Messy. (3.5/5 stars) now in cinemas

Photos: Encore Films