The Jason Hahn Files: We Need To Talk About *That* Theo James Nude Scene In The White Lotus
My mother always says it’s a good thing she married my father and became a housewife instead of a famous movie star. “Can you imagine?” she will say to Daddy, shuddering a little as she fingers her three-strand pearl necklace. “All those horrible men with bad breath I’d have to kiss.”
The first time she said this, my sister pulled a face and put up her hand like a traffic cop. She sucked in an audible breath. “Oh my God, that is such an inappropriate thing to say in front of your own children!”
Mother shrugged. “But it’s true! And it’s so much worse these days. At least in my day, movie stars kissed with their lips firmly sealed. These days, it’s like they’re eating each other’s faces! I’m really surprised they’re not all dead from some horrible flesh-eating virus!”
“Oh, God!” Michelle sighed.
But as Saffy recently pointed out during the very first episode of the second season of The White Lotus, things could be so much worse. “I mean really!” She said, her enormous bosom inflating as she pointed at the TV screen which was currently paused at the exact moment that Theo James bends over to take off his shorts and reveals a glimpse of what can only be described as a very long bratwurst. “They must have taken like a dozen takes of this one scene. I don’t know about you, but that’s a pretty good day at the office, if you ask me.”
“I love this show so much!” Amanda said as she crunched loudly on her popcorn. “The clothes these people wear! So chic!”
“There’s not enough nudity,” Saffy replied, her lips pursed with great dissatisfaction as she delivered her expert critique. “I hope they show a full frontal of Theo James pretty soon. He reminds me of the really hot, but really bad boy in every school I was kicked out of! There was always one.”
What I love most about The White Lotus is that they filmed both seasons in the most amazing places. In the first season, the location was the Four Seasons in Maui, and in the second, it was the Four Seasons in Taormina. “Seriously, what a great job!” Amanda said. “Imagine, that’s where you get to go to work every day!”
“And have hot sweaty sex in the office!” Saffy added. She noticed our looks. “What? Don’t tell me no one is imagining have hot sweaty sex with Murray Bartlett!”
“But isn’t he…” Amanda began.
“That’s the best kind of sex!” Saffy said firmly.
When I repeated the conversation to Barney Chen over drinks at, appropriately, the Four Seasons, he pulled a face. “Ugh, no! I mean, I used to really fancy him, but after that last episode in the last season, I just can’t bear even looking at him now. Seriously, nothing kills sex appeal faster than watching someone take a dump in someone’s suitcase!”
“You know it was all CGI, right?” I said. “None of it was real!”
“It looked real enough,” Barney insisted, his enormous biceps bulging under his tight tee. “Though I’m guessing they CGI’d Theo James’ wee-wee! I’ve been watching all his scenes with his pants on and he does not look like he could be packing that kind of hardware!”
Even as I coughed into my drink, I couldn’t help but think what my mother would have made of this conversation. So, in the pursuit of journalistic excellence, I rang her to ask. Imagine my surprise when she told me that The White Lotus was her current favourite show.
“I’ve got all the ladies at mahjong hooked on it!” she purred down the line. “Of course, it helps that we’ve all been to both Four Seasons hotels, so it’s such an immersive experience! Brings back such happy memories!”
All I could think of was Murray Bartlett’s other infamous scene in his office with the bellboy, and I could help but wonder just what kind of debauched holiday in Maui my mother and Daddy had taken back in 2012.
“I thought…uhm…I thought you hated…hum…” I managed.
“Well, there’s hardly any kissing in the show is there?” Mother asked. “Besides, all the nastiness is in the things they say and do to each other. And also the things they don’t say,” she added. “Those are the nastiest moments, but also so true about human nature. So even when they’re having sex or kissing, no one is pretending that it’s a loving act, so that’s okay. It’s the pretence I object to.”
“She said that?” Michelle asked when I called her immediately after hanging up with Mother.
“‘So that’s okay!’”, I repeated.