The Jason Hahn Files: Let's Talk About The Hot Weather...

“Saffy’s sleepover didn’t go too well. Because the next morning, both girls emerged from Amanda’s bedroom looking like sorority girls who just woke up inside a trash bin with no memory of the last 18 hours.”

It’s been so hot lately. Every day, I poke my head out the window to scan the sky, hoping for the slightest sign of a dark gathering of rain clouds. And every day, I see the same bright blue dome and shimmer of heat that promises another scorching day.

Of course, it hasn’t helped that the unreliable air-con unit in our lounge room decided to pack up again. As did the one in Saffy’s bedroom.

“What is wrong with these machines?” Amanda said the other day as she stood under the unit in the lounge, looking up at it with the kind of dissatisfaction you normally associate with the arrival of the scrawny male stripper at the bachelorette party. “This is the third time this stupid thing has conked out.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” Saffy moaned as she lolled listlessly on the sofa, trying to find a cool spot. “Even with the fan on full blast, I woke up in a pool of sweat!”

 I pointed out to Amanda that it’s been two days since we rang the air-con man. “Where is he?”

“He’s coming on Friday.”

Saffy struggled up onto her elbows, her forehead shiny with sweat. “Friday! But it’s only Wednesday today. Why is he only coming on Friday?”

 “Do I look like Mavis from Panasonic Service Centre?” Amanda snapped. “How should I know? That was the only time she had when I called up.”

 “Did you tell her it was an emergency?”

“I did and she said every client who calls her up tells her it’s an emergency,” Amanda said. Apparently, you could tell that Mavis was sick and tired of other people’s cooling emergencies.

Saffy collapsed onto her back. “Oh. My. God. You know, I can’t stand it another night. I’m just going to have sleep with you tonight, Jas…”

“No.”

“…Amanda,” Saffy went on smoothly. She went on in a rush as Amanda opened her mouth. “No really, you can’t say no. I have an interview for a job promotion on Friday and I need to look my best. I simply cannot afford to have bags under my eyes! You don’t want it to be your fault I didn’t get the promotion, do you?”

Later that afternoon, Amanda texted me in a major mood. “I don’t know why you don’t sleep with her!”

“I’m embarrassed. I wear a mouth-guard and drool in my sleep,” I replied. Hand on my heart, both true.

Needless to say, Saffy’s sleepover didn’t go too well. Because the next morning, both girls emerged from Amanda’s bedroom looking like sorority girls who just woke up inside a trash bin with no memory of the last 18 hours. Amanda went into the bathroom to pee and when she emerged, she said, “I look like a mug shot.”

Saffy slumped into a chair at the dining table where I was having breakfast. She reached for my coffee and took a noisy slurp.

“I’m going to lose that promotion,” she sighed into the cup.

I chewed my muesli slowly and looked from one to the other. “But the air-con worked, right?” I asked.

“I didn’t sleep a wink. Amanda snores like a bulldog in heat!” Saffy reported.

Amanda stiffened. “I don’t see how that’s humanly possible since I didn’t sleep a wink either! Because you talk in your sleep!” She turned to me. “She talks. And it’s not random sentences, either. It’s a complete conversation with both sides speaking.”

I frowned. “What…”

“As in, she speaks one sentence, and then she replies to herself and then she replies to herself replying to herself! It’s the craziest thing!”

Saffy’s bosom inflated. “I do no such thing!”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah? Then how do I know that you love it when your boyfriend Bradley sticks the last two fingers of his right hand into…”

Saffy’s hands flew to her mouth as her eyes widened in horror.

Amanda pursed her lips in satisfaction as she went on. “That’s right! And as he’s doing it, you say, ‘Who’s your hot sassy bi…’…”

“Shut up!” Saffy screamed in panic. “Ohmygodohmygod!”

Amanda glowed with righteousness. “All night!” she told Saffy. “All night, I had to listen to you replaying your dirty sex talk with your boyfriend! And it went on for hours!”

Mortified, Saffy immediately got on the phone with Mavis at Panasonic and spent an hour begging her to move the repair appointment up. Eventually, in desperation, she told Mavis about her inadvertent sleep sex-chat to Amanda.

Saffy says Mavis must have blabbed because when the air-con guy showed up that afternoon, “He kept twitching his fingers and giving me funny looks!”   


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