The Jason Hahn Files: Let's Talk About Dr Pimple Popper...

"‘I just love that Dr Lee is Singaporean slash Malaysian!’ Amanda said, her heart still warm from the glow of pride that of all the countries in the world that could have hosted the North Korean and American nuclear summit, Singapore had scored the winning goal."

News that Dr Sandra Lee — aka Dr Pimple Popper — is about to debut her very own television show has filled our little apartment with joy. 

Amanda says it’s amazing how an obscure dermatologist in an equally obscure Californian suburb has been able to get 2.5 billion views of handphone videos of pimples being popped and then piggy back off that into a TV show on a major American channel.

“Well, to be fair, what really got her famous were the epidermoid cysts and lipomas,” said Saffy, Dr Sandra’s No. 1 Fan.

“I just love that she’s Singaporean slash Malaysian!” Amanda said, her heart still warm from the glow of pride that of all the countries in the world that could have hosted the North Korean and American nuclear summit, Singapore had scored the winning goal.

Personally, I said, it’s a crying shame the Singapore Tourism Board hasn’t hustled over to California to sign up the woman for its campaigns. 

Saffy nodded grimly. “Yes, and before the Malaysians get to her. That would be the absolute pits. They’ve already got so much good press since their last elections, they don’t need to also get her.”

“She doesn’t sound Singaporean though,” Amanda said doubtfully the other day as we watched the latest YouTube installment of a particularly gruesome extraction of a humungous lipoma from a Filipino guy’s back. 

“Her accent is so strongly American.”

“Well, so are the accents of half the radio DJs in this town,” Saffy pointed out. “At least hers is authentic!”

Meanwhile, when the trailer for the new show hit the airwaves, Amanda was in her office, supposedly working on complex legal documents for a case that she swore was giving her hives. 

Her phone pinged with a message from Saffy: ‘U have GOT to watch this!’Amanda tapped the attachment. Two minutes later, she was speed-dialling Saffy.

“Isn’t it just the best?” Saffy said immediately. “Oh. My. God!” Amanda moaned. “Did you see that guy’s nose? It was literally covered in bumps! What the hell are they?”“Probably an extreme case of steatocystomas!” 

Saffy diagnosed. “And the guy with the massive lump on his knee! How that thing doesn’t burst every time he puts on his pants, I don’t know.”

“Where does she find these people?” Amanda wondered to the world at large. “I mean, how do you go through life with that kind of stuff growing on you?”

“There’s a guy in my office?” Saffy said, lowering her voice. “He’s got this bald patch at the top of his head with a bump the size of a longan growing on top of it! You can see it from a mile away!”

“Oooh, a pilar cyst!” Amanda said immediately. Saffy sucked in her breath. 

“Totally! But here’s the thing. Sharyn says his fengshui master said to him that he can’t get it taken out as it’s bringing him good luck!”

“Is it?”“Not that I can tell,” Saffy sniffed. “Sharyn says his appraisal is coming up and management has noted him down for no bonus or increment!”

“Ouch!”

“I know. So if that cyst is bringing him any luck, it’s sure not happening in the office.”

A few days later, over lunch at Din Tai Fung in Paragon, in the middle of biting into a particularly juicy xiaolongbao, Sharyn was prompted to suddenly remember the latest piece of office gossip. 

Huffing through her open mouth because of the hot meat and soup, she announced that Pilar Cyst Man had won $50,000 at 4D.

“Huh!” Saffy said, putting her soup spoon down. “Yah, and den hor, dur nex day, his condo go en-bloc!” 

Sharyn went on, chomping noisily on her dumpling. “You know how much or not? Two poin tree million!”

There was a collective silence as we sat there, imagining what it must be like to suddenly have $2.3m in our bank account.“And den hor,” Sharyn went on, ‘today, he come and tell me he give his fengshui master fie thousand dollar as bonus and he oh-so tender his resignation!”

Saffy’s bosom inflated like a life-raft. “Wait, what? Eng Leong has resigned?”Sharyn nodded solemnly. 

“Now must hire new systems manager!”Saffy says it’s just not fair that Eng Leong’s good fortune means she has to go through the whole tedious process of interviewing for a replacement. 

“I’m so busy as it is!” she pouted this morning. “And all because of that pilar cyst of his!” Amanda said, half jokingly.“My God! How many millionaires has Dr Sandra Lee bankrupted?” Saffy wondered.

This story first appeared in 8 DAYS issue #1447 (July 12, 2018).

Photo: TPG News/Click Photos 

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