My friend Josh recently announced on Facebook that he was divorcing his wife, Melanie.
As public announcements go, it was incredibly awkward especially since we’d all been friends first with Melanie in law school and we didn’t know him till they were doing their pupilage.
“Am I supposed to ‘Like’ this post?” Amanda demanded. We were having lunch at Chopstix and Rice at Orchard Towers, inhaling heaped plates of insanely good nasi padang.
“Can’t you put a sad emoticon or something?” Saffy asked as she stabbed at a fried fish.
Amanda looked unconvinced. “But is that enough? Should I say something? What would I say? ‘Sorry to hear’?”
“You could send him a private message,” Saffy suggested.
“But I’ve never done that with him and it just seems a bit odd to start now. And what if he wants to have a conversation with me about it? Like give me his side of the story. I don’t want to take his side. I’m Melanie’s friend after all.”
“And now, he’s marital road-kill,” Saffy said, her bosom trembling, “and we have to keep driving and never look back!”
Amanda put down her fork and stared. Saffy shrugged.
I said I wished people wouldn’t make announcements like that on Facebook. “It’s just bad manners because it forces you to pretend you care!”
Saffy turned to me. “You don’t care they’re getting divorced?”
I rolled my eyes. “I never liked him. He always seemed so needy. And very shouty about his politics. He’s one of the reasons I left Facebook.”
Saffy sighed. “I know what you mean. Once upon a time, Facebook was fun. Now it’s just so full of angst and anger.”
“You need to join me on Instagram,” I told her. “I look at pictures of lipomas, cute pigs and bulldogs all day. They make me so happy!”
What really irritates us about the divorce is that they’d been married barely 17 months. Their marriage was a huge event at the Ritz-Carlton — black tie, big swing band, expensive flower arrangements and lobster. The red packets alone took us into four-figure territory.
“And now they’re getting divorced!” Amanda said, taking the opportunity to pout her pretty lips, currently outlined in Kylie Jenner’s Velvet Lip.
“I want my ang pow back!” Saffy announced. “I am so sick of these people who get married, expect money and then get divorced two seconds later!”
“Well, I’m not sure…” Amanda began.
Saffy charged ahead. “Listen, if Amazon can give you a refund on your defective purchase, I should be able to get one too on a defective marriage!”
A few days later, Perez Hilton announced that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were getting divorced. Both the girls gasped.
“Another couple who were married for two seconds!” Saffy said, her finger tapping on the link to read the full story. “Seriously, why do people even bother? There should be a law against this sort of nonsense!”
Leave it to Amanda to find the silver lining in other people’s marital misery. “Liam is so hot!”
“I prefer Chris!” Saffy said as she scrolled through the story. “I was just watching Thor: Ragnorak again last night and that scene where he’s topless? O. M. G!”
Amanda said what gets her is not that people get divorced but that they make such a big deal about the marriage and their wife or husband in the first place.
“They go on talk shows and say how much they love so and so. They’re soul mates. Then they get their fabulous Malibu home photographed. Every day, they tell everyone on Instagram about how grateful they are to have found the partner in life. And then they get married and post the video and the next thing you know, they’re filing for divorce and begging everyone to give them privacy! I mean, what could possibly have changed in 18 months?”
“What I love,” Saffy said, “is they always say they’re parting on good terms and how much love and respect they still have for one another. When, really, you know she’s already cut a big hole in the crotch of all his pants!”
Amanda held up a finger. “Wait, that actually happened! Melanie did that! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you.
Saffy’s bosom inflated to maximum capacity. “No, she did not!”
Amanda nodded serenely. “He was having an affair with Millie.”
“Wait. Millie. Melanie’s sister?”
Again, Amanda nodded. “When she found out, she took a big pair of scissors and cut out all the crotches in his Zegna pants. And then she moved onto his Hermes ties. He’s lucky he wasn’t at home when she was cutting.”
Of course, the best part was that evening, Melanie posted on Facebook the picture of the severed ties and crotchless pants and tagged her sister with the message ‘I hope you die!’
“Now, what do I do?” Amanda complained. “Do I ‘Like’ this?”
Photo: TPG News/Click Photos