How Often Do You Visit Your Parents If You've Moved Out? S'porean Netizen Seeks Advice, Asks If They're Being "Unfilial"

When it comes to filial piety, people have different views on how best to support ageing parents — whether through quality time, financial support, or attention.

Recently, a Singaporean netizen took to Reddit to share the dilemma they’re facing about their parents visiting their home.

"Is it unfilial if you reject your parents to drop by during weekdays after work?", the OP asked.

"I moved out from my parents home two years ago, and have been visiting them once every two to three weeks. At times, my parents would ask me to drop by for dinner on weekdays after work, which [I've complained about because] it is not on my way home."

The OP said they work at Raffles Place and lives at Pasir Ris, while their parents live with their younger sibling in Sengkang. They see their folks "once or twice a month" on Sundays for lunch, and spend up to three hours each visit. 

Despite the OP’s complaints, their parents have remained firm, insisting that in an accessible city like Singapore, anywhere is "on the way". 

The OP added: "I do feel hesitant to go back home to be honest, as there is usually nothing for me to do except to engage in conversations that may not be amicable (usually with different POVs on certain topics like marriage) or being forced to drink herbal teas when I have always rejected drinking them."

They then followed up with the query: "Is it normal for me to feel this way? And to those with assertive parents, how do you set clear boundaries and feel less guilty for rejecting them?"

Netizens were quick to share their thoughts, with some offering suggestions on how the OP could navigate the situation more comfortably.

While many believe that every family has its own approach, some recommended the OP invite their parents over to their place instead, at a time which works best for them. They also emphasised the importance of having an honest conversation to find a solution that works for both sides. 

Some felt that the OP’s parents simply miss them and want to spend more time together, and that asking to visit is their ‘Asian way’ of showing affection. 

They were encouraged to visit their parents when possible, with one commenter sharing: "As I grew older, I find the value in doing it. Priorities change, and I find that the extra few hours per week is worth it. I make it a point to [visit] at least once a week."

Another penned: "The herbal drink... my grandma used to do what they did. She's gone now, and I regret not drinking every herbal tea she made."

That said, many also reminded the OP that it’s okay to set boundaries without feeling guilty.

"It feels like your visits are done out of duty, and that you don't have a very close relationship with you parents, and don't feel like you can open up about your thoughts and feelings. Hence, spending time with them can feel like a strain to you. I empathise because I also feel a similar disconnect with my parents. I think you are doing what you can given the circumstances," opined a netizen.

Others felt the OP is not being unfilial at all — after all, they’ve kept up with their regular visits, and their main concern is that it’s a weekday and they’re tired from work.

Another advised the OP to maintain their boundaries, saying that even if one is "stuck in a traditional filial piety mindset," it’s important to let parents know what they’re comfortable with, and that doesn’t make them unfilial.

One added: "I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your parents about why you’re not visiting as often as they’d like. Moving out shows that you want your own life and to live on your own terms. They need to understand that children grow up and have their own lives too. There’s no need to feel guilty."

Some also suggested alternatives, such as giving their parents quick phone or video calls throughout the week, which can keep them connected without taking up too much time.

While opinions on the OP’s situation varied, the consensus leaned toward cherishing parents while they are still around, while also finding a balance that works for both sides.

At the same time, setting boundaries doesn’t make someone ungrateful — it simply means respecting one’s own limits, as long as both parties understand. 

What do you think?

Photo: RDNE Stock project/ Pexels