A few moments of playful banter with Weiling and Yifeng later, Tosh continued, “Seeing certain things will trigger my memories of the past and those memories will make me cry uncontrollably. I even thought of jumping off a building. I can’t suppress [the negative thoughts] and they still haunt me now. I’m in a better place now but I feel that it’s very difficult to make a full recovery.”
He went on to say that a psychiatrist had told him that he needed to address his "inner child" and that these negative thoughts that pop into his mind from time to time could be from that 'child' and not his current self.
His battle with depression had been an uphill one and for about a year, Tosh would be in and out of the hospital. “I've had meltdowns at home where I wanted to commit suicide. I couldn’t feel my face and my hands were numb. When I called my doctor, he said that I could be hyperventilating and was at risk of getting a stroke, so he told me to call an ambulance.”
It was at the hospital where Tosh’s mum found out about his depression.
“She realised what was happening when she saw me in the hospital and she cried while she was at my bedside," he said.
Thankfully, Tosh is doing much better now and is comfortable enough to talk about what he's been through.
And as it turned out, Weiliang was a pivotal part of his healing process.
“We’re very close so I won’t pretend to be okay in front of him," shared Tosh. "He knows if I’m feeling down (…) He may not say much when he’s with me and would just sit next to me while we’re using our phones... We might not be talking about why I’m feeling sad, but [his being there] is good enough. Nobody wants to be depressed and nobody wants to take their own lives.”
Watch Part 1 & 2 of Tosh & Weiliang's interview on Hear U Out.
If you or someone you know is struggling mentally, here are some numbers to call:
National Care Hotline: 6202-6868
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444
Singapore Association for Mental Health Helpline: 1800-283-7019
Institute of Mental Health's Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222
Photos: Tosh Zhang's Instagram, Mediacorp