Local YouTuber Rainier On How Losing A Testicle To Testicular Cancer Has Not Affected His Sex Life: “Funnily Enough, They Never Asked Questions”

Local content creator James Rainier, who is better known online as simply Rainier, has had a rough couple of years.

The 32-year-old, whom many would recognise from his appearances in The Smart Local’s YouTube channel, was diagnosed with testicular cancer last April.

As someone who has now beaten cancer, Rainier doesn’t shy away from sharing his experience online.

He has since started his own video production house, and has two videos on his YouTube page which document his battle with cancer.

He is also the guest on the latest episode of Men, Explain, where he speaks to host Sonia Chew about how losing one of his testicles has affected his life when it comes to dating and sex.

“When I just got diagnosed, it was very tough for me because it was the same week that I moved out [of my family home]. I wanted to be the man I could be, and then when I got the diagnosis I was like ‘oh shit’, now I have to depend on people again. I didn’t like being taken care of. I wanted to be the one taking care of my family,” he recalled.

Rainier admitted that there was a part of him that thought to keep his condition a secret from his family, but he eventually opened up to them a week later.

He then touched on the reason behind his choice to share his journey on a public platform: “When I see the content space right now, there has been, in recent years, people talking about sickness and going through the journey. But in Singapore, [there isn’t] much. I think it’s also maybe a very Asian mindset where we don’t talk about health.”

“I do get comments like “why you put this online?”, which sucks lah. I didn’t really do it for the fame, but more so like, when I was going through it, I didn’t have anybody to relate to. And to me, that’s what content creators aspire to be, to be able to connect to an audience. My friends and family were supportive but it wasn’t like they know. [I’ll only be able to] chit-chat about these kinds of things with my chemo buddies - those sitting beside me during chemo [sessions]."

“When you were going through the entire process, did you think ‘I’m going to be less of a man after this’?” asked Sonia.

“Definitely. When they were carting me out of the operating room right, I was still drugged up. But when the drugs wore off, I started to cry. It was a realisation that I had one body part gone. Although it wasn’t like a leg or whatever, it was still a part of [my] identity at that time. I may not be able to have kids, and during sexual intercourse people might ask ‘what happened to the other one’ that kind of thing,” said Rainier.

Rainier then revealed that he has had sex since the operation, and thankfully, hasn’t gotten any of such questions.

“Funnily enough, they never asked questions. So it was all in my head,” he said. 

He is also an advocate for being transparent with one’s sexual partners as his then-partner was the one who first pointed out that there was “something wrong” with his testicle.

“After the surgery I always thought ‘oh shit people are going to ask. Even if they don’t say I’m sure in their head they’re like ‘why this guy only got one ball?’,” he said.

Ultimately he was overthinking things, and the “ball issue” never turned out to be an issue after all.

In a later part of the chat, Rainier revealed that he used to want 11 kids.

“I grew up with a big extended family and I like that community, like the very kampong vibe. I wanted that for myself also in the future. But before the chemo, I had to freeze my sperm, but the sperm also not good, so I don’t know freeze for what,” he said with a laugh.

He continued: “When you go through chemo, they will kill all the cells, so that means the sperm will all die. So they try to freeze the ones that are somewhat okay. But because I already had cancer to begin with, so it was affected lah.”

“So how will this affect your thought process moving forward, like talking about kids and all that?” asked Sonia.

Rainier replied: “It’s a conversation I will have with my partner. But I think I also have it easier ‘cos people have watched the video already, and [they know I had] testicular cancer, so they wouldn’t be surprised if they see something missing down there.”

When it comes to not being defined by his testicles, Rainier said: “There’s this age-old notion that… for example for women, it’s the ability to bear children. [Similarly], being able to make babies and procreate and spread the seed is what it means to be a man… last time. But nowadays it’s like you don’t have to have kids, some people even have fur babies. To me, it’s about being stable, being dependable, and also being someone your partner wants you to be.”

Photos: itsclarityco/ YouTube, Rainier/ Instagram

You can watch this episode of Men, Explain on YouTube, and also check out Rainier's YouTube channel to find out more about his journey.