Lim Peifen Says She “Lost Hope” After Suffering A Miscarriage In 2019

"I had a miscarriage in November 2019. At eight weeks, I had seen my baby and heard its heartbeat. I was elated; we had been trying for a second baby for two years. Then, at 11 weeks, just a day shy of my next gynae appointment, I discovered, to my greatest fear and dismay, that I was bleeding. We rushed to the gynae, he did a scan and there was no heartbeat. The foetus had failed to grow for two weeks. In a flash, all our joy and hope was gone. I felt grief like never before. Shock, then anger, and then sorrow. I wanted to sink into my own darkness and weep. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either,” Peifen wrote.

The 38-year-old and her husband, computer engineer Lie Wei Xiang, have two sons together, five-year-old Luke, and two-month-old Jude.

In the next few paragraphs, Peifei shared more about the miscarriage, revealing that she had to take pills to expedite the process.

"I cried more than ever and hid in my room all day. Even though my husband stayed by my side, I still felt very lonely at times. No one can really know how it feels to lose a life that was inside you, unless it’s from personal experience,” she wrote.

Though the entire experience was an immensely painful process for her, Peifen shared that she’d found “great consolation” in a message her friend had sent her.

"To think, the first thing you saw when you opened your tiny little eyes was the face of Jesus,” her friend had written, with Peifen adding: "I found great consolation in these words. I’ll see my angel baby in Heaven.”

As she’d shared earlier that she’d found solace in the experiences of women with similar stories, Peifen went on to encourage those who "are going through or have been through something similar”.

“Please know that you are not alone. And it is nothing to be ashamed of. And you can grief. And you can cry (or not). And you will find solace. And when you can finally see light through the tears, you will be stronger, better, kinder,” she wrote.

Finally, she revealed that since her youngest son, Jude, is a rainbow baby (a baby born after a miscarriage, infant loss, stillbirth, or neonatal death), she’d named her son after the patron saint of hope, Saint Jude.

"At the end of 2019, I lost hope for a while. At the start of 2020, I found hope again. I was afraid, but hope gave me courage. I am immensely grateful. As we bid goodbye to a challenging year, let’s hold on to hope,” she wrote.

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