Jessica Hsuan, 53, Has Never Wanted Kids Because She Has No Patience

Hong Kong actress Jessica Hsuan is one of the most humble stars we have ever met. 

In Mediacorp's first M18 mystery drama Kill Sera Sera, the 53-year-old ex-TVB actress plays a heartbroken mother obsessed with finding the killer of her daughter Sera, played by Mediacorp actress Chantalle Ng. 

The actress absolutely shines in the role. Just from watching the trailer alone, we could feel her pain emanating from the screen. 

Jessica, however, feels her performance was not up to par.

When 8days.sg spoke to the actress at the drama’s press conference at the Intercontinental Singapore, Jessica, who's been in showbiz for more than three decades, simply can’t stop putting herself down. 

"When I watched the trailer I thought: "Oh my god, I didn't do that well. Everyone seems to have done so well. I could have done better. I could have used this method. I should have done that. All that started coming into my mind," she sighs.

Jessica goes on to share that she really struggled to connect with her character when she was first offered the role.

The reason? She didn’t and still doesn’t know how it feels to be a mother… let alone lose a child.

"I was talking to friends who are mothers and they told me to think of my pets getting killed. I said it's not the same. Those are animals not humans," she recalls.

What eventually helped Jessica get into character was reading about the gruesome murder of Hong Kong socialite Abby Choi, whose body was found dismembered last year. 

Like the late socialite, Chantalle’s character was also decapitated.

"When I came over to Singapore, there was that news about that Hong Kong lady whose death was so similar to [my character’s daughter in] our story. I didn't know [Abby] yet I had very strong feelings for her and could imagine [the pain] when I saw her mum on the TV just crying," says Jessica.

The actress also credits her co-stars Christopher Lee and Taiwanese actor James Wen for helping her. 

"When you work with them, you're immersed in your role immediately because they are in there within a second and you don't have to think too much. They will pull you along," she says with a bright smile on her face.

We can’t help but quip that Jessica is making herself sound like a newbie, as if she isn't one of Hong Kong’s most acclaimed actresses.

“I don't usually have a lot of confidence in myself. It's funny, but I don't (laughs),” she says in response. 

8DAYS.SG: Hi Jessica! It's been 13 years since you starred in Mediacorp drama Bountiful Blessings. Do you think a lot has changed in Singapore since the last time you worked here? 

JESSICA: Oh yeah, everything's very expensive. Very, very expensive. (Laughs) I was actually very shocked. Yeah, but it's still a very safe place and still has a lot of delicious food to eat. People are still very nice. It’s just the economy. It’s blooming (laughs).

We saw that you met up with your A Step Into The Past co-star Michelle Saram while you were filming Kill Sera Sera here. Did you meet up with any other Singaporean ex-colleagues as well? 

Just my previous assistant and that was about it. I didn't get to see the cast from Parental Guidance. I did want to see them but at the beginning I wanted to focus on the role and just make sure everything goes well before I start seeing friends. Once I meet them I'm always happy. 

There was always a lot of homework to do for my role because the show is entirely in Mandarin. That created more stress because no thanks to the pandemic, I had not been speaking Mandarin for three years. When you don't speak a language for a long time, it does get a bit uncomfortable.

Were there any young actors or actresses who particularly impressed you this time? 

I think they were all good. They all really worked hard and were really focused. Especially my onscreen son, Damien Teo. He works very hard but at the same time he's very bubbly so it helped me a lot. He's always like "Mum, mum, this, mum, that". At night he's like, "goodnight mum, sleep well". He just brought joy on set although he couldn't all the time because we were always fighting [in the show] (laughs).

Did they ask you for advice during filming? 

I don't think they did particularly ask me but we would just say it while filming. I always believe that everybody's in charge of their own role that's why I can never be a director.

As a director, you have to be able to see all the roles at the same time but I can only focus on my own. There are certain things I can suggest from my experience though. Like, “Maybe you can do this little thing, maybe you can do that?"

You mentioned that you found it hard to play this role because you don’t know how it feels to be a mum. Do you still think about getting married or starting a family?

I never really wanted children since I was very young. One of the biggest issues with me is that I don't have patience. Whenever I see children I'm like: "Oh my god". (Chuckles) Children are supposed to be naughty, but with me not having much patience I think I would actually ruin the kid's life and I would ruin my own. It would not be a happy family.

They don't have a choice to come to this world, so the day you decide to bring them into this world, you have full responsibility for everything. People said to me: "You think too much. You shouldn't think, just have [children]". I said: "No, no, no, I need to provide, not just financially, but most importantly mentally and everything. It’s just so much".

It's worse than working. I find working actually relaxing but with children it's a 24/7 job. And at this age if you're not thinking of having a family then why get married? At this moment I think I would prefer a companion, just to spend time together, go on holidays. It’s not necessary to have to get married.   

Would you regret never having kids though?

I mean, there are some very good kids. But knowing me, my luck, I think He would give me someone very very difficult to deal with so I thought best not to take the risk (laughs).

When my dad was still alive, he really wanted grandchildren and he knew my brother didn't want kids so he was hoping that I would. But I said to him: "No" (laughs). So that was very unfortunate. 

How would you describe your love life now？

I am open. Just that I wouldn't go out to look for anything because I always believe that if it comes, it comes. 

I'm quite happy by myself as well. I think I have a lot of freedom and I also have quite a lot of people around me who are not really happy being married. They always envy me because I have the freedom to just fly off for a vacation. Suddenly if I don't have work to do I would just fly off somewhere and I don't have to ask for permission. 

That's why I always say that you have to find the right person. Don't just rush into it because you think you're getting to the age where you have to get married. I think there's no such thing as having to get married. 

If He wants you to have kids, He will give you kids. If He wants you to get married, you'll get married. (Laughs)

Was there any point in your life when you actually thought of marrying someone? 

I was asked — it was not a proposal — but my ex-boyfriend said to me: "We are going to get married but I want you to end your career and have kids". I really appreciated him telling me that because it's best to be honest before your marriage, otherwise if you get married then decide that you want to go different ways, the problems will start surfacing. 

I thought about it over and over again, and my career was actually taking off at that time because I was in my early thirties. I just asked myself: "Would you regret it one day when you look back?" and it was an immediate yes. So after a while [the relationship ended] because he was looking for something different. It’s best to let go and just move on. 

Was there anyone who made you feel like getting married?

Not really. That ex-boyfriend of mine, he would have been a very good husband and a good dad but I think it was just wrong timing. If he had popped up later then maybe everything would have turned out different? 

Watch the first six episodes of Kill Sera Sera on mewatch here, with three new episodes released every Monday.

Catch Jessica in Bountiful Blessings on mewatch or in the embedded video below: