8 Rules of Parenting With Andie Chen & Kate Pang

Kate: For kids, the most important thing is for them to communicate and interact with us. In the future, the world will contain even more technology and will be even colder, so we must cultivate close relationships with our kids now. We can’t be too reliant on gadgets.
Andie: Aden gets 10-15 minutes of playtime on the phone or tablet a day. Research shows that being on the phone or tablet too much is bad for your eyes and impedes brain development, but I don’t want my kids to not know technology. But there are a lot of senses, emotions and feelings that are more important for them to experience at this point.
Kate: I don’t like to say no to Aden when he asks for something. I will first say yes. But I will set the rules and the boundaries. I would let him watch TV, but set a time limit. And when the time is up, he will turn it off himself.
Andie: I would say, don’t even start using the iPad at mealtimes. Once they know they can have that, it’s very hard to stop them from wanting it. It is a lot of work and a lot of patience, patience, patience, but eventually, everyone has a more enjoyable time. Now, Aden will talk to us during meals and we try to eat with mei mei as well. We try to revolve mealtimes around the kids, instead of the other way round. We’d ask him how the food is, and make it about him. So he enjoys the attention and doesn’t need an iPad or other stimulants to make him sit down. But that’s the long and hard way lah.

Kate: I absolutely don’t want Aden to become a geek bookworm.
Andie: I hope he doesn’t get good grades. Our logic is that if you always ace your exams and get 100 marks for everything, basically all it means is that you know what people want and you’re programmed to give it to them. I’d rather Aden not do well in school, but instead, show creativity and interest in myriad different things. I’d say try not to flunk your PSLE and O-levels but I don’t need you to get A’s for everything. I don’t even need you to get B’s for everything. Just pass your exams and get to where you’re supposed to be.
Kate: I think the academic pressure here is too much [Kate was born and bred in Taiwan]. I feel so sorry for the kids.
Andie: We have the opposite problem [from other parents]. We are trying to find a school that doesn’t teach our kids anything. And it’s impossible. I’m so open about this to the point that I’d rather Aden go to primary school one year later. What’s a year in a human being’s life?

Kate: I won’t tell Aden no if he wants candy. I will let him have a bit, but I’d give him malt candy, which I get from organic shops, or brown sugar cubes. These are non-processed and more natural.
Andie: Kids won’t know the difference between malt candy and a Kit Kat bar. They just want sweet stuff. I have to give it to Kate for constantly sourcing for alternatives and trying to come up with creative ways to solve parenting problems. She’s a complete expert.
Kate: I like to read books about parenting and also attend lessons and talks. A method I use is to bargain with kids, like you’d do at the market. Like Aden will say he wants to read five books at bedtime, but because it’s late, I’d say, okay, two books. He would say five. I would say, “Two or nothing.” Then he would say, “Okay, two.” Or if he doesn’t want to go and bathe, I will say, “Let’s go take a shower.” If he says no, I’d say, “Then let’s go and take a bath.” If he still says no, I’d tell him, “Then let’s go play with water.” We make it fun and we have fun ‘arguing’. He also learns different ways of explaining the situation. And just like that, by laughing and bantering, he will be tricked into doing something, and it’s actually pretty fun.

Andie: Kate sleeps with the kids now and I sleep in a separate room. It’s the arrangement while I’m filming. Because of my long and irregular hours, I need a good rest, and also if we sleep together, my hours will affect the rest of the family. But not sleeping in the same room doesn’t mean no happy time! (Guffaws)
Kate: My goal now is to take good care of the kids. That really makes me happy.
Andie: As for whether we've had to scale back on work and sacrifice our careers a little to devote time to the kids, I'd say yes, and it's hard for me…
Kate: (Interjects) That’s life. What else can be more important and make you happier than the kids?
Andie: For Kate, [sacrificing her career] is not even an issue… but for me, it is. I am very career-driven in many ways. But having kids has forced me to be very creative in the way I work, and changed my perspective.
Kate: I feel if I cannot spend time with my kids because of work, I will feel so guilty. And the period when your kids are this young is so fleeting. That tiny, tiny hand will very quickly become so big and fat. If I miss all this because I want to make extra money, I will really regret it.
Andie: Being a family has definitely opened up [some doors], especially for Kate. She’s quite in demand as she’s very passionate about parenting. A lot of clients want to work with her [with our production company Kandie Network], and we can choose who we want to work with, both on social media and traditional media. For her, it has worked out.

Andie: We’ve never hit Aden. I won’t say “no way” but I don’t think it’s a good thing to resort to. I think that will mess up your kid and he will think that is the way you should react when you’re angry.
Kate: If he makes a mistake, I will only punish him if he die-die refuses to admit his mistake. I will tell him calmly to go and stand in the corner and think about his actions. And he will usually start crying already. I’m usually cheery and animated, like those children’s show hosts, so I just have to make my voice a bit cold and he will be very scared.
Andie: I’m in awe of what Kate can do. It takes a lot of patience. I follow her lead. We have set up a way where we communicate our way out of anything, so Aden is a very good communicator, and that lowers the odds of punishment by leaps and bounds, ’cos there are so many things you can talk about and negotiate. But that again is a lot of groundwork for the parents.

Andie: We tell Aden that if he doesn’t keep his toys after playing with them, we will throw them away, regardless of how expensive the toy is. Like we’d take the Play-Doh and throw into the dustbin, and we don’t retrieve it after, no way. We haven’t done it that much. All we have to do is pick up the cheapest thing on the floor, and throw it away. He will quickly keep the rest of the toys. You have to let him understand the consequences. And you have to follow through.
Kate: Or we will give his toys away to other kids. At first, I said we give the toys to mei mei, and he was scared. But he realised that giving to mei mei means it’s still in the house, so he was like, “Oh okay.” So now we have to give the toys away to others.

Andie: We haven't seen Rui En [Avery's godma] very much recently. She wanted to come during Chinese New Year, but she didn’t. (Laughs) We were also supposed to go to her house but we also didn’t. Everyone is busy. Before that, yes she did come over to our house quite a few times. She comes bearing gifts for the kids and we chit-chat.
Kate: Actually, she’s a nice person. She’s just not the ‘hee-hee-haha’ kind. She’s not fake. She will chat with you — she’s not as cold as people say. I also realised she’s very kind-hearted and loving towards children and animals. When she comes over she will play with the kids.
Andie: With the kids and with us, she’s very open. If the world sees what I see, they will realise how harmless she is, but she has so many layers of protective armour. Before I broke through her armour, I was like, “Why are you behaving like that — hot and cold, hot and cold?” But eventually, I got a more comfortable place with her. I asked her, “Why don’t you let people see this part of you? The part where it’s so easy to be friends with you, the more open part?” But it takes a long time to earn her loyalty and I respect that about her.

Kate: The first few days after we brought mei mei home, whenever I carried her, Aden would say “Mummy, put mei mei down.” And when he asks me to carry him, I will carry him. And in front of Aden, I would never praise mei mei or say things like “Wow, see how good mei mei is?” But when mei mei is good, I will say things like, “Wow, she must have learned it from you, good job!” So Aden felt that with mei mei around, he has a lot of benefits and keeps getting praised.
Andie: We made Aden our priority. You have to consciously do it. When I come home, I hug him first. We got closer ’cos of Avery.
Kate: I think that what you want your kid to be, you have to be that person. If you want your kid to be well-mannered and polite, you have to be that way too. It can’t be that if we’re scolding the kid and cursing all day, the child will end up having good manners, right? We are their mirrors.
Andie: I think parents need to do their research. How can we do something we have never done before without first learning how to do it? Even with acting, I know a lot of fellow actors who don’t read about acting, and don’t study the different methods. They expect that since they are doing the work, they will know how to act. It baffles me ’cos when you are faced with something you have never done before, the first step is to educate yourself.