Kim Jonghyun Was Crying For Help And These Are The Signs We Missed
We should pay more attention to the people around us.
How well do we really know the people closest to us? For those who followed the every move of SHINee frontman Kim Jonghyun, set their Google News Alerts to his name, worshipped his every word, the answer would be a resounding ‘Not well at all’. K-pop fans around the world reeled from shock on December 18 when news broke that Jonghyun, 27, had killed himself. How did this happen? Why did it happen? What made this happen? There were so many online theories to why one of K-pop’s most popular stars had decided to end his life… mostly because everyone was searching for answers too.
Maybe the biggest hint to what was going through Jonghyun’s mind came when his good friend Nine9 from K-pop group Dear Cloud posted the letter he’d written to her before this death, where he detailed his long, drawn-out battle with depression.
He wrote that he was “broken from the inside”, and “swallowed” by his depression. Towards the end of the letter, Jonghyun confessed: “The life of fame was never meant for me. That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this...it’s a wonder I lasted so long... Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough.” And hours before he took his own life, he sent a heartbreaking text message to his sister: “It’s been really hard. Let me go Tell me I did well. This is my last goodbye.”
The last moments ever captured of Jonghyun were from a CCTV (above) in a convenience store next to the block of apartments where he took his own life. He bought a pack of cigarettes, a fizzy drink and snacks. After leaving the store, Jonghyun got into his car and drove back and forth very noisily. A security guard, who witnessed the scene the K-pop star had created, told reporters: “He was stepping on the accelerator so hard that the engine was making very loud noises.”
Fans now say that this was his last cry for help. That he was hoping that someone, anyone, would take notice of him, stop him, and hopefully ask him how he was feeling.
1. His Lyrics
Jonghyun penned the lyrics to most of his songs, and a few extremely personal and telling ones have stood out to fans as pleas for help:
‘Let Me Out’: “Someone please hold me, I’m exhausted from this world / Someone please wipe me, I’m drenched with tears / Someone please notice my struggles first / Please acknowledge the poor me / Please help me”
‘Lonely’ (ft. Taeyeon): “I’m so lonely, so lonely/I feel like I’m alone/I don’t want to make it obvious to you/I’m just used to holding it in”
2. His Interviews
Up until April, Jonghyun was the host of radio show Jonghyun’s Blue Night, where he frequently revealed his struggles with work and life. On June 14 2016, he said on the show: “I just stay feeling depressed whenever I feel depressed. I don’t really mind being so either.”
In May, he gave an interview to Esquire magazine, where he said: “Ever since I was little I showed a lot of depressive feelings, and it’s the same in the present.” He also mentioned how hard it was to stay upbeat: “My disposition in and of itself has a tendency to torment me. For people like me, it isn’t easy to be happy.” Jonghyun also recounted an incident when he got so drunk that he woke his entire family up in the middle of the night and asked if they were happy: “I was so envious at the fact that they were able to reply that they were, indeed, happy. Because it wasn’t like that for me. I told them while sobbing: ‘I want to be happy too.’”
3. On Social Media
On his last Instagram live stream in October, Jonghyun spent 49 minutes answering questions while opening up about his feelings. “It’s like falling to lethargy. I’ve gotten a bit lethargic...I think it’s due to the change in seasons...I’m looking for a way to recover from depression,” he said.
Final Post
In his last Instagram post, which he uploaded on November 20, he shared lyrics to the song ‘Beside You’ by Dear Cloud. The song contained lyrics like: “I had a thought while curling up/ in a dark room alone” and “I hope only that you will be happy/ Please don’t try to be alone in the darkness/ Don’t torture yourself”
4. At His Last Concert
What’s proven to be the most chilling and heart-wrenching for Shawols (that’s what SHINee fans are called) is that Jonghyun held his final solo concerts, Inspired, on December 9 and 10, just a week before his tragic death. During his gigs, he was supposed to announce that he was coming back in January with new music. The announcement was written on a prompter for him to read, but he reportedly skipped it completely. The screencap above was taken from a video of his final concert. In it, Jonghyun’s gaze silently lingers on his fans for a few long seconds, his eyes welling up with tears. Twitter user @kimtaem wrote: “He looks like he’s memorising what Shawols look like. Because he knew that it will be his last time seeing us.”
If you are feeling distressed or someone you know is feeling suicidal, call the Samaritans of Singapore’s suicide hotline: 1800-221-4444.
